Employment Terminated

I was "let go" yesterday from my job of nearly 3 years. This did not come as a huge surprise to me, although it feels a little disconcerting as this is the first time in this life that I have not ended employment on my terms. 

The company split in April 2014, selling off an entire division that was essentially half the company. It went as a business unit, taking not only software engineers and IP, but also some executive staff, management, marketing and sales. After that event, the writing was on the wall for the rest of the company - it was just a matter of time before it was acquired by a partner or competitor. That announcement is going live this afternoon. And so my termination yesterday was part of a reduction of head count.

Again, I'm not surprised at this. I am a Product Manager (a position that overlaps engineering, marketing and sales). However, in the trimmed down version of the company, we were left with 3 PMs by title and 2 product lines. The others had significantly more history with the company and knowledge about this industry, so immediately I was on the bubble. Further, a couple months ago they started to migrate to "solution selling" as opposed to selling products. The solution consisted of 3 areas, with some overlap for both product lines in each, and I was assigned one of these areas. However, that particular area is quite "mature" and didn't required the attention and management that I am capable of providing. As a result, my workload has not been significant for a while. 

I have in my hand a separation agreement that arrived by FedEx this morning. While one would hope to see something a little more generous, I guess it's good enough. Certainly it's better than 2 week's notice and a goodbye. I comfortably have about a month to find gainful employment on my next career stop, although I could budget out and stretch it further if necessary. Unfortunately, one position I had my eye on mid-summer is no longer listed online, but I'll be reaching out to that company regardless. And without really starting to look yet, I've heard of some other opportunities. I just need to find the best option to move ahead. 

Recently I have commented to several people that I would love to quite my job, sell most of my belongings, and go live on a commune. The time isn't ripe for that path yet, however, as I still have a financial responsibility to my children. I do recognize that my next choice needs to be one that's more in line with my belief system.

Fuel supply chain is fairly interesting, and the energy business is huge - but it doesn't jibe with my hippie outlook on the world. I found myself hesitating to sign anti-fracking petitions because natural gas as a motor fuel is an immense growth opportunity. Similarly, the Keystone XL pipeline would help move billions of gallons of oil south for refining, likely expanding the gallons passing through the company's software. So while I believe fracking is playing a large role in harming the environment and the pipeline is not actually needed given future oil demand and the environmental cost to build it, I felt like I was voting against the company when publicly decrying these activities. Not any more. I'm not sure I can find a green software company that requires my talents (without moving to the west coast), but at least I can get out of an industry that's literally and systematically destroying the planet. 

By living in the present moment, I will tackle each task of the job search as it comes. No reason to worry about past choices or to worry about what the future holds. The only thing I can affect is the Now. 

 

Muppet Joke!

I heard a joke years ago based on the muppet "near and far" routine (see this video). I found myself telling this joke at least twice rather recently. The thing is, I thought it was a well-known joke. I vaguely even remember seeing it acted out - not sure if it was on YouTube or a sketch comedy show (for some reason, I'm thinking one of the many Canadian troops). So the joke follows - if anyone knows the source or can find more details on it, please comment and let me know!

A couple goes over to another couple's house for dinner. When the main dish finally comes, the guests are a little surprised to see the "meat" is blue in color. They watch as the hosts carve it easily into slices and serve it along with various side dishes. Not wanting to be rude guests, they cut into this blue meat and try a bite. Turns out, it's wonderfully tasty. But they just can't resist the urge to find out more and finally ask, "OK, please tell us what this blue stuff is."

The husband chuckles to himself a little as he replies, "Why, it's muppet!"

"Muppet! Oh my! I've never eaten this before and its great. But please tell us, how do you find muppet meat?"

"Oh, that's easy," says the husband as he stands up. "Let me show you".

They walk over to the sliding glass door that opens to their back yard, which backs up to a line of trees. The man opens the door and shouts outside to no one, "Show me far!"

Out of nowhere, a muppet appears in the tree line, and yells back, "This is far!"

Then the man calls to the muppet, "Show me near!"

The muppet comes running up to the house and the man grabs him. "See? Easy."

The Upanishads - Part 2

Continuation of Part 1, please read the intro/background there.

This post delves into the Chandogya Upanishad, the second 'book' in the translation I am working from.

The Rig is speech. The Sāman is breath (prāṇa). The Udgītha is this syllable "Om."

Verily, this is a pair—namely speech and breath, and also the Rig and the Sāman.

This pair is joined together in this syllable "Om."

Verily, when a pair come together, verily, the two procure each the other’s desire.

A procurer of desires, verily, indeed, becomes he who, knowing this thus, reverences the Udgītha as this syllable.

Verily, this syllable is assent; for whenever one assents to anything he says simply ‘Om.’1 This, indeed, is fulfillment - that is, assent is. 

A fulfiller of desires, verily, indeed, becomes he who, knowing this thus, reverences the Udgītha as this syllable.

This threefold knowledge proceeds with it: saying "Om," one calls forth; saying "Om," one recites; saying "Om," one sings aloud, to the honor of that syllable, with its greatness, with its essence.

-- Chand. 1.1.5-9

A nice little section around the importance Udgitha or "loud chanting". I attend a Kirtan about once a month, and while not tied to a specific religious practice, I find group out-loud chanting very enjoyable. The remaining Khanda in the First Prapathaka speak further to the importance of breathe, meditation and Om, though it reads kind of like creation story.

---

One rubs the fire-sticks together - that is a Hiṅkāra.

Smoke is produced - that is a Prastāva.

It blazes - that is an Udgītha.

Coals are formed - that is a Pratihāra.

It becomes extinct - that is a Nidhana.

It becomes completely extinct - that is a Nidhana.

This is the Rathantara Sāman as woven upon fire.

-- Chand. 2.12.1

Most of the second Prapathaka is all about how the syllables of the chants are related to the world. It feels very light in content to me (being non-polytheistic), but definitely shows how strongly tied they believe human actions of reverence are connected to everything in daily life.

---

Verily, what is called Brahma - that is the same as what the space outside of a person is. Verily, what the space outside of a person is - that is the same as what the space within a person is. Verily, what the space within a person is - that is the same as what the space here within the heart is. That is the Full, the Non-active. Full, non-active prosperity he obtains who knows this.

-- Chand. 3.12.7

Now, the light which shines higher than this heaven, on the backs of all, on the backs of everything, in the highest worlds, than which there are no higher - verily, that is the same as this light which is here within a person.

-- Chand. 3.13.7

More "everything is one" philosophy shining through these ancient texts!

---

He who consists of mind, whose body is life (prāṇa), whose form is light, whose conception is truth, whose soul (ātman) is space, containing all works, containing all desires, containing all odors, containing all tastes, encompassing this whole world, the unspeaking, the unconcerned - this Soul of mine within the heart is smaller than a grain of rice, or a barley-corn, or a mustard-seed, or a grain of millet, or the kernel of a grain of millet; this Soul of mine within the heart is greater than the earth, greater than the atmosphere, greater than the sky, greater than these worlds.

-- Chand. 3.14.2

I was tempted to lump this in with the last two, but its point is much stronger and deserves to stand alone. You are tiny, but you are everything.

---

After having become cloud, he rains down. They are born here as rice and barley, as herbs and trees, as sesame plants and beans. Thence, verily, indeed, it is difficult to emerge; for only if some one or other eats him as food and emits him as semen, does he develop further.

-- Chand. 5.10.6

Much of the Fifth Prapathaka regards the Breath and Soul, and this middle section is about the path of the soul for reincarnation. I believe in reincarnation, but have not learned much about it from the traditional Indian viewpoint. This passage struck me because I've simply never thought about being reincarnated as a grain and the path back into the human circle of consciousness. If you count the myriad of species on this planet, an astronomical number even before considering plants, the odds of a soul "landing" in a human are slim at best. If this is your belief system, all the more reason to cherish life!

---

The plunderer of gold, the liquor-drinker,

The invader of a teacher’s bed, the Brahman-killer -

These four sink downward in the scale,

And, fifth, he who consorts with them.

But he who knows these five fires thus, is not stained with evil, even though consorting with those people. "He becomes pure, clean, possessor of a pure world, who knows this - yea, he who knows this!"

-- Chand. 5.10.9-10

Continuing the previous theme -- advice on how make sure you're working your way up the scale.

---

"How from Non-being could Being be produced? On the contrary, my dear, in the beginning this world was just Being, one only, without a second."

-- Chand. 6.1.2

Kind of a throw-away line in another creation story. But this reminds me of the book Why Does the World Exist?: An Existential Detective Story by Jim Holt [Amazon link]. A worthy read that hits a lot of different bases.

---

When a person here is deceasing, my dear, his voice goes into his mind; his mind, into his breath; his breath, into heat; the heat, into the highest divinity. That which is the finest essence - this whole world has that as its soul. That is Reality (satya). That is Ātman (Soul). That art thou, Śvetaketu.

--Chand. 6.8.6-7

On death, the concluding part of the root of man as Being. What grabbed me here is the phrase "That art thou". This translates from the original "Tat Tvam Asi", a phrase I have grown quite fond of since hearing it from a wallah during a kirtan. Looking it up on Wikipedia just now, the origin of the phrase is actually this very passage -- I knew there was a reason I was reading this text!

---

 

"Of this great tree, my dear, if some one should strike at the root, it would bleed, but still live. If some one should strike at its middle, it would bleed, but still live. If some one should strike at its top, it would bleed, but still live. Being pervaded by Ātman (Soul), it continues to stand, eagerly drinking in moisture and rejoicing.

If the life leaves one branch of it, then it dries up. It leaves a second; then that dries up. It leaves a third; then that dries up. It leaves the whole; the whole dries up. Even so, indeed, my dear, understand," said he.

"Verily, indeed, when life has left it, this body dies. The life does not die.

That which is the finest essence - this whole world has that as its soul. That is Reality. That is Ātman (Soul). That art thou, Śvetaketu."

"Do you, Sir, cause me to understand even more."

"So be it, my dear," said he.

-- Chand. 6.11.1-3

When life has left it, this body dies. The life does not die.

The Ninth through Sixteenth Khandas provide some nice examples of the Tat Tvam Asi philosophy, for bees, rivers, trees, fig seeds, salt water, blinded traveler, sick man, theif. They're all concise and well worded, but this is my favorite of the group.

---

... even so here on earth one who has a teacher knows: "I belong here only so long as I shall not be released from the body. Then I shall arrive home."

--Chand. 6.14.2

Wow.

---

The seer sees not death,

Nor sickness, nor any distress.

The seer sees only the All,

Obtains the All entirely.

--Chand. 7.26.2

---

As here on earth the world which is won by work becomes destroyed, even so there the world which is won by merit becomes destroyed.

Those who go hence without here having found the Soul (Ātman) and those real desires (satya kāma) - for them in all the worlds there is no freedom. But those who go hence having found here the Soul and those real desires - for them in all worlds there is freedom.

--Chand. 8.1.6

On the soul. I wanted to quote this whole section - there's a great bit on how the small space within a lotus flower is boundless and contains everything. But I think this is the crux - earthly objects will all eventually be destroyed, but the free soul is limitless.

---

So, just as those who do not know the spot might go over a hid treasure of gold again and again, but not find it, even so all creatures here go day by day to that Brahma-world (brahma-loka), but do not find it; for truly they are carried astray by what is false.

--Chand. 8.3.2

Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there - false coverings.

---

Verily, these are the three syllables: sat-ti-yam. The sat (Being) - that is the immortal. The ti - that is the mortal. Now the yam - with that one holds the two together. Because with it one holds the two together, therefore it is yam. Day by day, verily, he who knows this goes to the heavenly world.

--Chand. 8.3.5

I'm continually fascinated by how Sanskrit words are constructed from root syllables and sounds. 

---

Camping

I spent last weekend camping with a few hundred friends. Well, a dozen or so close friends. This event evolved from a summer house party years ago to a ticketed, organized party weekend, managed largely via a Facebook group and event. While everyone in the group has at least something in common, when you get 200 people together, there's going to be cliques and smaller groups - a social necessity.

Here are some various takeaways for me:

* I'm quickly getting too old to sleep on the ground. Even on an air mattress.

* It pays to go with a seasoned camper. I have tented many times, but not frequently, at least since college days. My tent-mate brought a mat for the front door - seems cheesy, but this kept grass from getting in the tent. It's little things like that I never think of and appreciate those who do.

* Everyone's experience is what they make of it. For me, this was a pretty relaxed weekend - time to cut loose, but not lose yourself. I've spent too much time and effort finding myself to lose myself! But for others, it's different. They may look at my weekend and think it was a huge waste - that I should have been partying it up more out in the main field. I'm sure those folks had fun doing their thing out there, but I was having my own fun doing my thing. Isn't that what it's all about?

* I met a very "not nice" man this weekend. I learned of his history - an obsessive relationship that landed him in jail - early on, and simply chose to avoid him even though their tent was relatively close. As Sunday evening wore on, those of us staying through Monday morning (a much smaller crowd) moved our cars closer to the tents for easy packing and escape in the morning. Most folks pulled cars unobtrusively as possible - but this guy jammed his truck right in the middle of a main path. I had to rearrange our chairs and coolers because it was so close. He came over and seemed to apologize for parking there and to offer to move - which is nice, but even though I didn't appreciate the location of his truck, I wouldn't make anyone move. But right after his first sentence, he went off about hearing that I wanted to fight over it because some other guy hanging with them (who I know, but don't care for, so avoid him as well) said I'd be upset. This took me aback. Neither one of those guys really knows me. At all. Even jovially, why approach a stranger confrontationally? I was confused, but told him the car was fine, and ignored whatever else he was saying. Not sure what the takeaway here really is. I've grown very open hearted and open minded. But there are people who are in such a bad place, it's plain not worth spending time with them.

* BDSM is not my thing. Some people in the group are very much into this, and took advantage of an isolated camping party to let loose. Some very good friends are into this scene, and it's a core part of their life and relationship. It's great they find joy and fulfillment in these activities, but it's not for me.

* Nature is cool. I could stare at the patterns in an uprooted tree for hours. What do you see?

* There were a few different people I could have camped with for the weekend. I went with a very close friend who is traveling a similar spiritual path. We certainly weren't connected at the hip the whole weekend, but having that kind of home base with you is a great thing. If I had made other options, the weekend would have been an entirely different experience. If I went with a more social person, we would surely have been in the main circles more often and seen a much different perspective. If I had gone with someone not in the group already, I would have been more social to make more introductions. It was a wonderful weekend, but I can't say I'm not curious about alternate possible paths.

* Zorb balls are fun - if you get the chance, do it. Although preferably as a human, not as a hamster whose owner stuffs you in one for their entertainment.

* Some people try too hard. I'm not a psychologist by any means, so there may be a term for this I don't know. But I see people like this all the time and ran across a few this weekend. They dress and act in ways that are meant to draw attention to themselves. But not just an attention-whore kind of way, more like in a manner that's less "look at me" and more "like me because I'm cool" kind of thing. Words are failing me here. It's like they need everyone to like them so they put on a different face - one that they think you want to see. Fake. Pretend. I can only imagine what it's like to be alone in their head. I'm not saying I'm above this - I clearly recall in my younger days putting on a facade to help protect my ego from uncomfortable situations. Recognizing this was, in fact, one of my first steps to finding myself again. I wish I could sit down with folks like this and tell them... I'm not sure. That everyone knows what they're doing and they just need to stop, find themselves, and just be themselves. Here and Now. To be so full of desire for attention and friendship can't be a healthy thing. Plus, when you're not being yourself, and you make a new friend, then you're stuck being who they thought you were, right? It's too much. Drop the ego and the insatiable need to be everyone's friend.

In sum, I had a great time. I met some new people, got to know some acquaintances better, and solidified bonds with existing friends. Even though it's early August, I feel like my summer is just kicking off - two beach trips the next couple weekends, and I finally have a base tan!

The Upanishads - Part 1

This post contains some passages of the Upanishads that spoke to me. Or just sounded really too cool not to pass along. If you're interested in these ancient works of India, I strongly recommend the translation found at http://oll.libertyfund.org/titles/2058 and especially not to skip over the introduction. As an ancient collection of works, the Upanishads cannot simply be read sensibly as if they're prose. Much like the early Bible, stories were added and updated. So there are some contradictory pieces and some absurd conjectures that don't fit with modern science or the modern evolution of any philosophy. The introduction helps bring you peace to such issues, which will then allow you to pull what you need from the texts. I have found great joy in exploring this work. I hope some of the quotes I've included below can be translated to inspirational life lessons and/or instill a sense of wonder in how such ancient words can ring true even today.

There are various clashes like pantheistic vs. polytheistic vs. monotheistic or dualist vs. monist or knowledge vs. karma viewpoints, but one need not get bogged down in these. Accept the writings as our ancient ancestors trying to reconcile religious and philosophic concepts. It's easy to slip into a mindset that the authors were simply "wrong" about this or that, but I think that is a disservice. For me personally, the Hindu concept of the Brahman/Atman fits pretty well in line with Akasha, or however you'd like to call the "one consciousness" that ties us all together (a pantheistic viewpoint). Language proves limiting when discussing such topics, and that was no less true 2500 years ago than it is today. You may find it easier to replace some of these words with "God" or "Spirit" to more fully grok and appreciate the quoted content.

One note - the word "verily" is used quite often in these texts. In modern American English, this word is virtually never used. I found it less awkward to see "truly" in its place.

The works are quite long, and so this is Part 1, covering only the Brihadaranyaka Upanishad.

---

"From the unreal lead me to the real!

From darkness lead me to light!

From death lead me to immortality!"

-- Brih. 1.3.28

I believe this is the Sanskrit transliteration:

oṁ asato mā sad gamaya

tamaso mā jyotir gamaya

mṛtyor mā amṛtaṁ gamaya

The first chant (saman) in the Upanishads. I have found chanting to be a key part of spiritual practices. This particular one doesn't speak to me because the context is really around getting what one desires by prayer. I don't believe prayer works that way!

---

In the beginning this world was just the Self (Ātman), one only. He wished: "Would that I had a wife; then I would procreate. Would that I had wealth; then I would offer sacrifice." So great, indeed, is desire. Not even if one desired, would he get more than that. Therefore even today when one is lonely one wishes: "Would that I had a wife, then I would procreate. Would that I had wealth, then I would offer sacrifice." So far as he does not obtain any one of these, he thinks that he is, assuredly, incomplete. Now his completeness is as follows: his mind truly is his self (ātman); his voice is his wife; his breath is his offspring; his eye is his worldly wealth, for with his eye he finds; his ear is his heavenly wealth, for with his ear he hears it; his body (ātman), indeed, is his work, for with his body he performs work.

-- Brih. 1.4.17

I like this one - it's in the "creation myth" section, but addresses how desire doesn't complete a person, as they are already complete. They just need to realize it!

---

These are all alike, all infinite. Verily he who worships them as finite wins a finite world. Likewise he who worships them as infinite wins an infinite world.

-- Brih. 1.5.13

The "these" here are the three faculties (mind, speech, breath) that make up the Self. I need to think on this one more, but I like the sentiment that if you limit your beliefs you limit your world. Interestingly there's another triad mentioned in Brih. 1.6 of name, form, and work that map to speech, eye and body and phrases to the effect that the Soul is one, but also three. Should sound vaguely familiar to Catholics, although I'm not sure there's a direct connection.

---

Ajātaśatru said: "When this man has fallen asleep thus, then the person who consists of intelligence, having by his intelligence taken to himself the intelligence of these senses, rests in that place which is the space within the heart. When that person restrains the senses, that person is said to be asleep. Then the breath is restrained. The voice is restrained. The eye is restrained. The ear is restrained. The mind is restrained.

When he goes to sleep, these worlds are his. Then he becomes a great king, as it were. Then he becomes a great Brahman, as it were. He enters the high and the low, as it were. As a great king, taking with him his people, moves around in his own country as he pleases, even so here this one, taking with him his senses, moves around in his own body as he pleases.

Now when one falls sound asleep (suṣupta), when one knows nothing whatsoever, having crept out through the seventy-two thousand veins, called hitā, which lead from the heart to the pericardium, one rests in the pericardium. Verily, as a youth or a great king or a great Brahman might rest when he has reached the summit of bliss, so this one now rests."

-- Brih. 2.1.17

Speaks to the importance of sleep, but also how when the bodily functions are restrained you are left with your heart.

Sleep is commonly discussed as where the two worlds are closest. This is even stated literally in Brih. 3.4.9.

---

He who knows this becomes the eater of everything; everything becomes his food.

-- Brih. 2.2.4

This wraps up a short verse around connecting sense organs in the head to the gods. But this is such a great existential phrase! My takeaway: When you realize how connected you are, you can feast on anything in the world.

---

There are, assuredly, two forms of Brahma: the formed and the formless, the mortal and the immortal, the stationary and the moving, the actual (sat) and the yon (tya).

-- Brih. 2.3.1

Yin and Yang much?

---

Then said Maitreyī: "If now, Sir, this whole earth filled with wealth were mine, would I be immortal thereby?"

"No," said Yājñavalkya. "As the life of the rich, even so would your life be. Of immortality, however, there is no hope through wealth."

-- Brih. 2.4.2

You can't take it with you!

---

What they praised was karma. Verily, one becomes good by good action, bad by bad action.

-- Brih. 3.2.13

Karma in a nutshell!

---

"He who passes beyond hunger and thirst, beyond sorrow and delusion, beyond old age and death - Brahmans who know such a Soul overcome desire for sons, desire for wealth, desire for worlds, and live the life of mendicants. For desire for sons is desire for wealth, and desire for wealth is desire for worlds, for both these are merely desires. Therefore let a Brahman become disgusted with learning and desire to live as a child. When he has become disgusted both with the state of childhood and with learning, then he becomes an ascetic. When he has become disgusted both with the non-ascetic state and with the ascetic state, then he becomes a Brahman."

-- Brih. 3.5.1

An argument for asceticism. (BTW, I had to look up "mendicants" which essentially means "beggar".) So when do we start a commune?

---

He is the unseen Seer, the unheard Hearer, the unthought Thinker, the ununderstood Understander. Other than He there is no seer. Other than He there is no hearer. Other than He there is no thinker. Other than He there is no understander. He is your Soul, the Inner Controller, the Immortal.

-- Brih. 3.7.23

A section on pantheism, but I liked the term "Inner Controller". When searching for more on this, I ran across a bunch of modern psych stuff about the "Inner Critic" and a self-help stuff - only skimmed a few pages, but didn't find it enlightening. 

---

"And on what is the heart based?"

"You idiot," said Yājñavalkya, "that you will think that it could be anywhere else than in ourselves! for if it were anywhere else than in ourselves, the dogs might eat it or the birds might tear it to pieces."

-- Brih. 3.9.24-25

This one actually made me chuckle. The preceding section goes through several threads of "on what X is based?" questions. Each of the quarters of heaven are mapped through things like the eye, sacrifice, water, truth, etc. but all end with that they are each based "On the heart". So the final questions is an obvious conclusion. The answer is clear, but the qualification with dogs and birds struck me as silly.

---

When he comes to weakness - whether he come to weakness through old age or through disease - this person frees himself from these limbs just as a mango, or a fig, or a berry releases itself from its bond; and he hastens again, according to the entrance and place of origin, back to life.

-- Brih. 4.3.36

On the soul at death - such nice imagery of ripe fruit falling from a branch, the soul releasing from the body. A softening of the abscission zone.

---

Now as a caterpillar, when it has come to the end of a blade of grass, in taking the next step draws itself together towards it, just so this soul in taking the next step strikes down this body, dispels its ignorance and draws itself together for making the transition.

-- Brih. 4.4.3

On transmigration of the soul at death. But I just love caterpillar analogies (they permeate Ram Dass's works). 

I found joy and wonder in reading all of the Fourth Brahmana of the Fourth Adhyaya. There's a lot of good stuff in there, but much too long to quote in full and too complex to pull out small snippets without explanation. So here's a link: http://oll.libertyfund.org/titles/2058#lf1395_head_097 

---

This same thing does the divine voice here, thunder, repeat: Da! Da! Da! that is, restrain yourselves, give, be compassionate. One should practise this same triad: self-restraint, giving, compassion.

-- Brih. 5.2.3

On the three cardinal virtues (yet another triad!), but all are the syllable "Da". I can't help but remember that old Trio song, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNYcviXK4rg 

---

He lives as long as he lives. Then when he dies, then they carry him to the fire. His fire, in truth, becomes the fire; fuel, the fuel; smoke, the smoke; flame, the flame; coals, the coals; sparks, the sparks. In this fire the gods offer a person. From this oblation the man arises, having the color of light.

-- Brih. 6.2.13

An awesome eulogy I would request to be said at my funeral pyre.

---

If she should not grant him his desire, he should bribe her. If she still does not grant him his desire, he should hit her with a stick or with his hand, and overcome her, saying: ‘With power, with glory I take away your glory!’ Thus she becomes inglorious.

-- Brih. 6.4.7

Yeah, not a fan of this one. Misogynistic and archaic rolled into one.

[When completed, I'll add a link to Part 2 covering the Chandogya Upanishad]

I was in Love once

I was once a pretty happy-go-lucky guy. Certainly, I was young and immature, and I was driven by a pretty big Ego back then too. Relative to other nerdy shy guys, I had a good group of friendships and had several social outlets. I stayed busy with work/school and dated gals whom I found interesting and fun to be with. I wasn't what I'd call now "an enlightened" person, but I wasn't a bad person, either. I was comfortable with who I was.

Then I fell in Love.

I was fascinated by her and wanted to give her everything. The problem was, I didn't understand how Love worked. I gave up myself to love her and never realized it was happening. Or maybe I did notice it at times, but assumed that's the way it should be. My friends disappeared into the background in favor of "our friends". My social activities waned because just being with her was enough. What happens then, however, is that you become a shell. You start living externally (in this case for another person, but it could be for anything - money, fame, collecting possessions). Then you lose yourself, who you really are, and you change. And when you change like this, living externally, you stop being the person she loved in return. You stop loving yourself. It's a common phrase now, but if you don't love yourself, you can't love anyone else.

So then your love starts to wane. At this point, you're now just a shell trying to love another shell. You're in love with the idea of love, not another kindred soul. That's when the shadow creeps in and everything just spirals down. At some point, I finally realized some of this, and started to work on myself and back-fill my shell, to find myself and get in touch with my inner self. By then, though, the relationship was empty. It had evolved from friends and lovers to co-parents to roommates to house-mates who'd rather be anywhere else. It was time to move on and separate.

After flailing around for a while, I started really opening myself up to new ideas and concepts. It wasn't really anything conscious at first, but I started making choices that helped in healing myself. I was finally ready to see things I had been closed to for so long. My entire view of life and love has changed significantly from just 6 months ago, let alone 6 years ago. It's been an amazing journey. Sometimes I would want to wallow in disappointment in my previous actions, but living in the past doesn't help you grow. I've been able to acknowledge how the shadow negatively affected my life for many years and have started coming to terms with it. But the past is the past. I've made empty apologies - because everything you say and do when you live as shell is empty. Another sincere apology and discussion may be in order, but while acknowledging past wrongs helps one move on, if the other person isn't in the same space, it just dredges up old pain.

I think I know better now how to love and be loved. I want to say that I won't fall into the same traps again. But the future is the future. For now, I'm learning to love myself and what quickly follows is this blissful feeling of an open heart and allowing me to love others. 

I have rebuilt myself. I am no longer just an empty shell. I have found wonderful circles of friends and social outlets - but it's different this time around. My Ego has been relegated to the back seat. My relationship with my children has improved tenfold at least, which brings me great joy.

You cannot love anyone else unless you love yourself. I've heard it a thousand times, but until I experienced it, really experienced it, I never truly understood what that meant. Thankfully and happily, I am here now.

"I'm not interested in being a "lover." I'm interested in only being love." -- Ram Dass

"Lo, verily, not for love of the wife is a wife dear, but for love of the Soul a wife is dear." -- Upanishads Brih. 2.4.5

Tat Tvam Asi

On Buying a Jeep

[Warning:  long, rambling post below]

I started the investigation into buying a Jeep Wrangler because I was going to run over miles on my current GTI's lease. This was 9 months away, but given the summer driving season and upcoming beach trips, I may be over quite a lot. Plus, I have always kind of wanted a Jeep, and now that I've been embracing my inner hippie even more, it was time to at least start the conversation.

Doing some math around payments and pay-off value/remnant value of the GTI, I figured I'd be looking at a used vehicle in the mid-$20k range. During the sales cycle, I often sat waiting at the salesman's desk alone. I constantly attempted to focus on my breathing and being there in the office, not worried or concerned about what news or information he would return with. After crunching some numbers, he retrieved a brand new (although essentially stripped) Jeep Wrangler Sport Unlimited (why so many adjectives?). The sticker price was over $30k, but I figured I'd go along with him. So we did the test drive and played with the soft top. It was an OK Jeep, but the lack of power locks would be annoying for kids. However, it did have a very nice stereo and navigation unit. It was nice, but I wasn't blown away with a "this is the car" feeling. As the test drive wrapped up and we went back in, I turned the conversation to the details of the financials. Sure enough, as I computed, it was well over where I wanted to be for a monthly payment. Way over. I kindly told him that we're not really in the same ballpark. After wandering away again, he came back and pulled me back outside where he had a two-door, hard-top Jeep with an off-road package. Cool looking, but I didn't want a hard top. And I didn't need the off-road stuff. I calmly explained that this wasn't going to work for me either. He was intent on selling me something, but I knew I had time and was not going to be overcome with desire to buy something I didn't want to afford. So we were pretty much done, especially when he started bringing up other non-Jeep options. If I couldn't get a Jeep Wrangler right now, then I wouldn't. Simple. As he returned the two-door to its parking spot, another sales guy that was hanging around outside noted that I wanted a soft-top. He mentioned there was a blue one "out back" that my sales guy may not know about. Then he rushed off to greet some customers that had just pulled up and were looking at trucks.

Right then, I felt the universe kind of tugging at me. Without even seeing the Jeep or knowing the price, I had that conspiring feeling deep inside and could see myself in this blue one. That "this is the car" feeling. Think of all the events that conspired together: I had earlier built a rapport with this guy discussing the GTI, so was comfortable standing talking to him instead of going inside to wait for my sales guy; the customers that arrived to look at trucks could have come two minutes earlier, drawn him away from his perch so he wouldn't have witnessed the hard-top discussion; my sales guy could have balked on even pulling up the hard-top one because soft-top was one of my requirements. A ton of other little things dropped us to a place where he told me about a vehicle my guy didn't know about. Funny thing is, when I stopped by to chat on Saturday with the resident "Jeep guy", he probably would have known about the other one - and he was supposed to be there Monday, but that was his short day.

Back to the main thread - my guy was surprised there was another one out there, so we trekked back to find it. It was a used 2010 model, and the sticker in the window still looked high to me, so I was wary, but the feeling of the moment hadn't died away. We pulled it out for a test drive. It had power windows and locks, fog lights, soft-top, and a catchy blue color (I researched later and found this is "Deep Water Blue" and only available 2009-2010). Further, the price tag included an off-road package that they had yet to install - so it was actually less expensive. We crunched some numbers and sure enough, it fell right into my range. Before deciding, I went back out to ponder things and look at the Jeep again. I called a close friend to make sure I wasn't being insane. While there, I noticed it needed tires. It had passed inspection, but it would need tires soon (which aren't cheep). In goes my guy again to discuss and offered me a $500 credit towards tires, or they could put on new ones and factor them into the cost. I opted for the credit. But before long, he returned with news from the service shop that they had just done an off-road upgrade and had 5 "extra" wheels available they'd put on for free (so it came with very cool looking 2014 18" Sahara model wheels).

The finance guy came by a little later. I felt a lot of negativity around him and could sense things falling apart. His attitude seemed matter-of-fact, but his presence was just very negative. I sat and listened to him openly. His monthly numbers were higher - which could have crushed things. He also gave me a hard time about an expired insurance card. I patiently explained that all the info was correct, and I was currently insured. Making a strong point about this and referencing the PA DOT was bordering on argumentative. Again, I just sat and listened, explaining I'm sure I had a more current card, and that this shouldn't be a hurdle. It was a silly negative point he felt strongly to make. He should have just asked "do you have a current card" but instead started with "your card is expired and we can't use it". Remember this when you speak to people - it makes a difference! We resolved the pricing difference and insurance card, so I signed something called a "buy order" I think, and gathered my stuff with plans to return in two days to take delivery.

Over night and I great difficultly staying detached and without desire. I could picture all the potential fun. I could feel the potential issues with the GTI mileage against the lease going away. In some ways, it was already a done deal, so it could have just been excitement. But it felt like desire. And desire is risky - because it opens you up to pain when things don't go your way.

The next morning, the original "Jeep guy" called. They had made a mistake in the numbers. They assumed a tax credit for my trade-in, but because it was leased and not owned, the numbers weren't quite right. It affected things, but not greatly. I quickly computed if I put a bit more down in cash, I could still be OK. But I hesitated some on the phone. He then jumped in with an offer -- since this was a "$15/month" mistake, and their mistake, how about we split it? I said that was generous and accepted. As an aside he mentioned he was doing the tires now, and that he's bumping it up to put on nicer 18" Sahara wheels for me. I believe this is a pricey option, which I'll happily take. Further, instead of waiting until the next morning, I could take delivery later today.

In the end, it's not the best economic decision, but one I could afford. I'll have the Jeep in hand for camping the coming weekend, and two upcoming trips to the beach. I will miss some nice things about the GTI, but that car was so tied to a previous version of myself, it will be good to be free of it.