I was in Love once

I was once a pretty happy-go-lucky guy. Certainly, I was young and immature, and I was driven by a pretty big Ego back then too. Relative to other nerdy shy guys, I had a good group of friendships and had several social outlets. I stayed busy with work/school and dated gals whom I found interesting and fun to be with. I wasn't what I'd call now "an enlightened" person, but I wasn't a bad person, either. I was comfortable with who I was.

Then I fell in Love.

I was fascinated by her and wanted to give her everything. The problem was, I didn't understand how Love worked. I gave up myself to love her and never realized it was happening. Or maybe I did notice it at times, but assumed that's the way it should be. My friends disappeared into the background in favor of "our friends". My social activities waned because just being with her was enough. What happens then, however, is that you become a shell. You start living externally (in this case for another person, but it could be for anything - money, fame, collecting possessions). Then you lose yourself, who you really are, and you change. And when you change like this, living externally, you stop being the person she loved in return. You stop loving yourself. It's a common phrase now, but if you don't love yourself, you can't love anyone else.

So then your love starts to wane. At this point, you're now just a shell trying to love another shell. You're in love with the idea of love, not another kindred soul. That's when the shadow creeps in and everything just spirals down. At some point, I finally realized some of this, and started to work on myself and back-fill my shell, to find myself and get in touch with my inner self. By then, though, the relationship was empty. It had evolved from friends and lovers to co-parents to roommates to house-mates who'd rather be anywhere else. It was time to move on and separate.

After flailing around for a while, I started really opening myself up to new ideas and concepts. It wasn't really anything conscious at first, but I started making choices that helped in healing myself. I was finally ready to see things I had been closed to for so long. My entire view of life and love has changed significantly from just 6 months ago, let alone 6 years ago. It's been an amazing journey. Sometimes I would want to wallow in disappointment in my previous actions, but living in the past doesn't help you grow. I've been able to acknowledge how the shadow negatively affected my life for many years and have started coming to terms with it. But the past is the past. I've made empty apologies - because everything you say and do when you live as shell is empty. Another sincere apology and discussion may be in order, but while acknowledging past wrongs helps one move on, if the other person isn't in the same space, it just dredges up old pain.

I think I know better now how to love and be loved. I want to say that I won't fall into the same traps again. But the future is the future. For now, I'm learning to love myself and what quickly follows is this blissful feeling of an open heart and allowing me to love others. 

I have rebuilt myself. I am no longer just an empty shell. I have found wonderful circles of friends and social outlets - but it's different this time around. My Ego has been relegated to the back seat. My relationship with my children has improved tenfold at least, which brings me great joy.

You cannot love anyone else unless you love yourself. I've heard it a thousand times, but until I experienced it, really experienced it, I never truly understood what that meant. Thankfully and happily, I am here now.

"I'm not interested in being a "lover." I'm interested in only being love." -- Ram Dass

"Lo, verily, not for love of the wife is a wife dear, but for love of the Soul a wife is dear." -- Upanishads Brih. 2.4.5

Tat Tvam Asi